Rethorics

I need to work on my rethorics. I can toss something in my mind all day long,
repeating it and confronting new ideas and discussing it in my head. But when
it comes to saying it I just get bundled in a bunch of emotions. I try to
release them but it's just too much. I feel exhausted today with arguing with
my parents. I can't really express myself. The best advice I can give to
myself is ust to not know what I'm going to say. Stop thinking about it. Just
focus on your feelings and comfortable body language in the moment and then
just focus, be ready. Attention is key. Attention on the listener, not on what
you want to say.

Accept how you are NOW

OK, she's 17. I was on the course, I went out on the break to try to chat up some dudes. I failed, I was afraid. So I went back and I stumbled upon her. A couple years ago this would be a situation where I would smile and walk pass by. Now I just naturally started talking with her. The convo wasn't so smooth, we were both nervous. She disqualified herself nearly immediately saying how old she is. Well I don't have any romantic interests in her now, she's just something fun that happened to me. The sexual tension between us is unbelievable, "the Office" style. She did some courage in front of me and got up in front of the class becoming the center of attention. I started staring at her and what I did to her was just unbelievable. She noticed me with the corner of her eye and just couldn't stop smiling. I could see how she wants to force herself to stop doing that. Then her hands started shaking. I feel so powerful, and yet I feel responsible and I led the situation and I feel great now. Very fun vibe between us, I'm glad I did this.I wanted to chat up some dudes, well I did that also later on.
The secret of my todays success is I believe these things:Yesterday I did the same hypno session as the day before and watched David X. I wrote 2 goals: fun talk with a stranger, fun talk with this girl. Accomplished. Writing the goal works wonders, if I believed in LoA I would say this was intention manifestation. I released about 3 emotions (this is something that always works and I always forget, except when I succeed). I constantly was FOCUSed and built in myself a positive state. Imagining yourself fucking her is so powerful, it makes you do stuff. All my life I believed in "love". Imagining my desire in the context of love got me nowhere. Thinking about fucking her just makes my body move. It's like you're thinking "love" - your body says: what? what's that?. If you're thinking of mounting her ass - your body says: oh that's what you want to do OK.

All is fine but here is the most important lesson.I fear of having an awkward encounter with a stranger, because I believe I will lose them because of it. I feel like I'm inadequate and unworthy if my first conversation isn't brilliant. I believe it has to be perfect. All my social actions in new environments are dictated by this. I must be sharp, everything is calculated. That is why I fear just talking. I hate to have a normal conversation. I realized this when I spoke to her. I deeply inside knew it was going to be like this. And here is the revelation: it's OK! It's OK to have an awkward conversation, you're strangers afterall! And you would have to be superhuman to act cool when dealing with this sort of sexual tension! And after that you are no longer 2 strangers, you have shared a moment, a moment of awkardness! THIS BRINGS YOU CLOSER! And that might not even be true, it may be awkard for you but not for her. Or it can be awkward for her and not for you, but you will relieved for doing it and later it will be good.Everything turned out great and I only gained. The belief of a perfect first conversation is false. The real power of doing this is ACCEPTANCE. Of course I discovered this a long time ago but of course I forget. If I accept that my first encounters will not be perfect and I will just do my best and accept that I may lose or may not lose this person is OK. I ACCEPT THAT. This is the only way of breaking comfort zones and the only way for personal growth. You can't battle fear by focusing on it. You must not try to convince yourself and battle the fear. It just gets stronger. You must find a backdoor. That backdoor is acceptance. Mystery is wrong. NLP is wrong. Everyone is wrong. You must bite fear in it's tail, don't let it face you! If you fear of getting rejected, just accept that you will be rejected and then try to do your best.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS, JUST ACCEPT HOW YOU ARE NOW AND THEN DO YOUR BEST.

The penis brain

I'm still on my mental diet. Yesterday I listened to a subliminal shyness track and then social phobia hypnosis tape. I went to a whole day driving course today. I didn't have any specific goals, just decided to train FOCUS. When I got there I sat in a place that draws attention (near the food and coffee). I was all relaxed and alpha-comfy (new term lol) and then this girl came in and sat in front of me. When she saw me she just had this OMG look on her face and a big smile (yes it was on). She is unbelievably cute and I instantly felt horny for her. I knew it was on so I instantly assumed rapport with her. I didn't speak to her but we shared a few smiles and jokes. I did an extremely good joke for everyone near the food and she was cracked up. If I wouldn't feel so goddamn sleepy maybe I would be more active and follow it up with something. Anyways it was great.
I realized one thing: why you shouldn't place extreme value on a good outcome.
This seems like a bible thing but there is a psychological basis for it. It's simple, if you are proud of your success you will attach excessive meaning to it and hence you will fear losing it. This brings you to hell, because on the surface you are succesful but really you're fearful.\

Now I tried analyzing this girl. My logical brain came up to these conclusions: she's too young (she looks like she's 16, I don't now how old she really is, knowing life she's 21), she wears clothes like from the beginning of the decade (this is really strange, nobody dresses like her), she might be sexually not aware. I realized these are all assumptions and I should ditch them if I want to have any success with her. All my life I have made assumptions using my logic and it brought me knowhere. So I made an agreement to use my penis brain. He really wants to fuck her. I will let him do the work. But we must join forces because he doesn't really know what to do. He doesn't know that you have to approach her first and show interest. So for tomorrow I agreed to get into a state of power/focus, sit next to her and start a fun conversation. Just have fun with her and let my desire for her shine on.

When sitting there today I used both FOCUS and concentration as described by J. Krishnamurti (awareness of everything instead of dividing stuff trying to concentrate) which is also a state I call Actor Ready (a similar state described in an actors training book).

So FOCUS to accomplish goals (like staring, talking), in a group and be prepared
all the time to be witty and funny, by being in Actor Ready.

Now I need to watch more David X because if I don't change my state tomorrow I will fall into my default patterns.

1 YEAR

Exactly one year ago I started this journal. It happened directly after
reading this web page: http://www.shyandfree.com/ and after failing miserably
to interact at a club party.

Time for an evaluation on what milestones I did during this year:

- I have completely refashioned my looks (clothes, hair)
- I gained 22lbs after joining the gym furthering my manly looks
- I got my first number close
- I established a habit of going out and breaking comfort zones
- I got my first girlfriend for 2 months
- I got my first kiss
- I established a habit of improving myself with self-help and seduction
material
- I got my first lap dance
- I became enlightened (I realized the duality of my
nature)
- I made a decision to become a man and follow my dreams

That's pretty much for one year. I predicted back then that it will be just
like my guitar learning. I will need 1 year to achieve results and 2 years to
become good at it. To become a master I will need 5 years. Everything is going smoothly. When you live day to day you see only your struggle, but an evaluation like this is really satisfying. I can't wait to see what the future brings.

A forgotten song by Cat Stevens. Expresses everything I feel at this moment of my life.

Father and Son

Father
It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.
I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when youve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.
Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
Its always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
Father
It's not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, thats your fault,
There's so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.
(son-- away away away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no)
Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.
(father-- stay stay stay, why must you
go and
Make this decision alone? )

The man I was ment to be

18.1.2007, Thursday. This was the day I let the world know about my most important decision in life. Its not PU related so I won't write about it. There is a lot of pressure upon me, everybody is against me. I hope this will make me a man. Or maybe I have become A MAN already.

Clubbin'

Next time I'm in a club I will... These are also things I did wrong yesterday.

- don't think
- act on what you want immediately, there is no better moment than this moment
- don't think
- who cares what they think
- cut the indirect bullshit, it is only good if you have time (like 10 days)
- release emotions (!!! this works, why don't I use it)
- have basic conversations rehearsed, have one good story about yourself to tell
- have a prepared routine (story, trick) to train if no targets are available, just for fun

The X method

A new method is being born.

Just 2 steps.

I. What do you want?

II. Who gives a shit what they think.

This is the absolute secret of getting anything you want.

Mastery

I feel like the master of my fate today.The staring at chicks and getting them to notice me works tremendously well. I don't think I've ever done something as succesful. What will be the next step? Maybe assuming rapport and just staring at them and then starting to say whatever?

-----------------
David X, Be relentless:
"Treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady.Cause that's reality"
-----------------

The absolute key to mastering anything: At every point appreciate and feel good about your current state.(this applies to bodybuilding and guitar in my life, I am progressing in these fields because I don't feel better than the state before, I am always enthusiastic about my current state as if it was the goal, however there always is the ultimate goal in the back of my head)

Give a fuck about what they think!

I went out with the intention of making a difference. That is showing myself that I'm looking at people. I first got out and just made eye contact then I forced myself to look at girls. The thing I do: move head along with the eyes (it's more frightening this way, more exposure) look at them all the time until they pass or give eye contact back .I did this a couple times although not without a struggle. I had to get rid of some massive and tricky excuses. Everything and I MEAN everything that comes up to you and says you can't do it is a lie and excuse. The excuses are very tricky and clever, they are disguised. Sit down and review everything until you feel good about the thing you are going to do then just do it. No excuses. I feel great because I did this today. I am slowly beginning to give a real fuck about what other people think. I see this as the root of all problems. I will never do anything PU related, no amount of learning, reading and even approaching will bring me anywhere I want if I am even the slightest concerned about what people THINK!!!

Slowing down time is a blast. This works, I just imagine a movie effect of slowing down time and remembering of not being reactive. Simply observing (attention J. Krishnamurti style).
Funny thing I thought about today: What will be my reaction if she says something to me? No reaction.

----------

Ranko: Excuses will block blood supply to my brain and I will not think. This is what happens when I have nothing to say. I am just not comfortable with the situation so my thinking is not clear. I must become comfortable, destroy all excuses. One way of doing this is to deliberately not say anything, just stare at a girl and notice, observe the tension inside of you. Become comfortable with that feeling.

Simply observe

I was reading J. Krishnamurti and I realized how change occurs. Change occurs by obervation. The simple act of observing changes the reality. Not concious change and struggle. The organism can change itself but it must have feedback, a mirror to look upon. So I will now dedicate my time to simple observation of myself, my thoughts, my emotions in social situations. I must grow the amount of time I use to respond to people. Answer only after observing and assessing eveyrything. I must see how I work in order to change myself.

--------------------------
Carlos Xuma:
I’m about to give you the exact words to a foolproof opener that you can use
injust about any situation. Memorize this and repeat it until you can say it ten
times fast:
"Hi, I'm just meeting new people today. I thought you might be interesting to
talk to.What's your name?"

---------

Killswitch, my new guru:
" want to get this tattoed on me somewhere:

My confidence is MINE, and I WILL NOT give it away.

This means not investing it in ANYONE or ANYTHING..
relationships are for building rewarding lifestyles, they are not for making
me more confident."

This is awesome. How to build confidence? DON'T LOSE IT. Your confidence is
already there, it is your inner strength. If you don't have confidence it is
because you have given it away. Don't give it away and your confidence will be
yours.

This explains everything. My explanation of the 4 agreements of don miguel ruiz:

1. Be inpeccable with your word
- Do not build false confidence. You don't have to do it, you already have your confidence. There is no need to deprecate others.

2. Don't make assumptions
- Do not place confidence in ideas and abstractions.

3. Don't take anything personally
- Do not let your confidence be dependable on other people. Don't give it away it is YOURS.

4. Always do your best
- Do not place confidence in your own ability. You can be confident and fail.

X mode

I listened to Hypnotica, then to my hypno tape. Then I watched Fight Club.

I came to the conclusion, that X Mode, this mode of empowerment is a state of
mind. A state of mind where you feel everything is possible. I get this
feeling after watching the Matrix or Fight Club. How to induce this state in
everyday life? Maybe just imagining it? What is happening when I'm watching
the movie? I'm just seeing somebody act like this, feeling what it feels, thinking
what they think. Everytime I go out interacting with people I must get into
this state of mind, a state of I give a fuck about your stupid society
programming, a state of stillness of time and overwelming possibilities, welcome to X mode.

Condom mission

I did Sharks condom mission today. I went out to checkout chicks. I was in a very good mood today. I watched David X earlier and focused on FOCUS my whole day. I went into the first venue to buy condoms, I searched the whole shop and didn't find them, I found them when I was leaving and chickened out to come back for them and buy them. So I was having excuses to go home and forget about it. I faught those excuses and went into another shop. I knew it wouldn't be a big deal, but I kept thinking about the mission and I was afraid to do it. I went into the shop, went for the condoms section, I was trying to not think the whole time, rationalizing and motivating myself. When I was about to go for them a woman in front of me grabbed a pack. I thought, wow. All the fear went away and I just got a pack for myself and bought as if buying apples.

After that I felt like the terminator using "3D cursor attention". Something I forgot about and which I rediscovered because of my interest in FOCUS. The 3d thing is fucken money. I believe it is conciosness itself travelling through space. You can directly affect and "touch" people with it. That's why people know they are stared at. It is powerful.